


Poisonous

by lucas_homo



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-14 11:03:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4562094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucas_homo/pseuds/lucas_homo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"maybe we'll meet again when we are slightly older and out minds less hectic, and I'll be right for you and you'll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

"You're leaving me?" 

"I'm sorry. I really am. But it's what's best for both of us. I promise. We're too young for this. I love you. But this relationship is dangerous for both of us." 

"You love me. But you're leaving me?" 

"I know it probably doesn't make any sense right now. But I think you'll understand eventually. This just isn't healthy for us. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this has to happen. One day, when we're older, if our paths cross again and we're doing better, then we can try again. But right now it's not working." 

"Why does it have to happen? If you really love me we can do this. We can get through long distance and we can get through the next couple years."

"This isn't good for either of us. You have to know that." 

"But I don't." 

"I'm sorry. It just has to be like this." 

"Please. Please don't leave me." 

"I'm sorry. I'll see you again. I love you Luke."


	2. One

15 minutes. 

14 minutes and 50 seconds. 

14 minutes and 30 seconds.

Time was passing. It wasn't any slower or any faster than what was normal.

But with every second that ticked by, it felt like an eternity. That had seemed to become a regular occurrence at this point.

And for what? 14 minutes and 5 seconds to what? Another day passed? Another end to another day to signify it's time to go home? What was even the point in keeping track of time if every excruciatingly long minute that passed just seemed to hurt more than the last? Time could be frozen and it wouldn't seem to make a difference. 

To Luke, every second and every minute felt the exact same way as the last. Every day for the past 3 years seemed to move by just as slowly as the previous day. No day had appeared to move any faster or any slower than the one before it. It didn't seem possible for it to go any slower.

5 minutes.

Luke looked around the room. A couple dozen college students filled the quiet space. Many holding a coffee in one hand and a book in the other. Some sat alone, some sat in small groups talking quietly. Luke appreciated his job. It was always quiet. A library would seem to be an odd choice for a 20 year old boy but Luke enjoyed it. He didn't have to talk to many people and he could sit in a comfy chair all day and get to tell people to shut up if necessary. It was the perfect environment for him. 

The clock read 5pm. Luke gathered up all his things and stood up from his chair, nodding at the girl a few years older than him who sat behind the desk with him, letting her know he was leaving. As he made his way out, he put in his headphones and played his music. He stepped outside into the rain and put up his hood while keeping his head down. Luke didn't like attention. He didn't like people looking at him. He didn't deal well with people. They bothered him. Being shy had always been a problem for Luke but it had gotten much worse in the past few years. At one point he had gotten tested for social anxiety but ended up being told he was probably just shy. Nothing he didn't already know. Besides being shy, he didn't like having to deal with too many people. He easily got annoyed in conversations and for the most part couldn't keep one up with people he didn't know. The only people he had real conversations with was his family and his friends. Everyone else, he just tried to avoid.

Luke pushed past people as he walked down the slightly busy street. Most people were going home which was what Luke hated about having to work until 5; it was always busier when he went home. The rain continued to fall at a steady pace as Luke continued to walk. He stopped in front of a small building at the corner of the block and pushed through the doors. The building was cozy and warm. There was a fake fireplace in the corner, which Luke thought was unnecessary but never said anything about it because it wasnt his place and that would draw attention to himself. He stepped up to the counter, pulling out one of his earbuds and gave a fake smile to the barista. Who smiled for real.

"One black coffee right?" She asked to which Luke nodded. She turned around, making Luke's coffee, then turned back around and handed him the steaming drink. Luke handed her the correct amount of change then turned back around and walked out of the coffee shop, back into the rainy day in Sydney. 

Luke kept a tight grip on his coffee in one hand and had his backpack hanging off of one shoulder. Vehicles drove past him on his right while people walked around him like he was invisible. He was, of course, used to this. Similar to who he had conversations with, the only people that actually took a notice to him was his family and friends. And he was okay with that. He hated attention. He hated people who he didn't know looking at him. He didn't even really like when the people he did know looked at him. So he continued walking. 

The closer he got to his part of town, the quieter the streets got. There were very few people walking around him. Luke finally decided to look up. The only people he could see on his side of the street were walking in the opposite direction and there was very few. Luke glanced to the other side of the street. Not many people there either. He looked back forward. Then back to the other side. And he froze. He blinked a couple times. The rain blurred his vision a little but it was impossible to miss. Luke blinked again to clear his vision. Maybe he was seeing things. He blinked once more. But he was there. Clear as day. The coffee in Luke's hand seemed to go ice cold. His body felt physically stuck and he got chilled. Luke continued to stare with wide eyes. And as he stared, from across the street, he looked up at Luke. His eyes widened when he spotted Luke. It was Ashton. Ashton was back in Sydney.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be posting up to chapter 2 tonight but after that it will become a weekly update on Tuesdays.
> 
> -Ash


	3. Two

Neither of them moved. Neither of them seemed to really register what was happening. They both just stood there. Staring at each other from opposite ends of the street. 

Luke closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again. But he was still standing there. He didn't look much different. He got a haircut. That was really the only difference that Luke could see. But Luke knew he looked different. He knew Ashton would look at him and immediately know that this wasn't the same Luke he knew three years ago. And the changes weren't something simple like a haircut. Luke looked tired. All the time. He didn't smile, his posture had become very closed in. Luke was unhappy and it was obvious. And it was obvious to Ashton who seemed to finally realize just exactly what was going on.

A lot could happen in 3 years. 3 years could go by really fast. Or really slow. For Luke, 3 years went by at an extremely slow pace. And 3 years ago, Luke had to watch as Ashton walked out of his life, and broke his heart. And since then, time seemed to have no meaning in Luke's life.

Then suddenly, the impossible became possible. Because time seemed to slow down. And suddenly 3 years didn't seem like that long and Luke felt two years of his life in only five seconds. 

Two years worth of dates, cuddles, kisses, hugs, hand holding, and the one and only time he had ever experienced it, falling in love. Luke felt it all in what was the longest five seconds of his life. 

Going back and feeling everything he had but had lost, was the worst pain he'd ever felt. It hurt more than when Ashton left him. It felt like he'd been punched in the gut. Slapped in the face. Like his heart had been pulled out of his chest and ripped apart. Again. Tears stung his eyes. Ashton became a blurry figure, with his tears temporarily blinding him. Luke squeezed his eyes shut allowing the tears to fall from his eyes. When he opened them, Ashton was still there. And he was still looking at Luke but Luke could see the pain in his eyes. And that made him want to laugh. Ashton shouldn't have been feeling pain. He was the one who broke Luke's heart. He was the one who decided to leave. He was the reason Luke hurt. But he was the one feeling pain. Luke frowned and finally turned away. If Ashton was feeling pain he couldn't blame it on anyone but himself. 

The rain seemed to be falling faster. It fell quickly and heavily as it pelted Luke. He picked up his pace. He didn't care about the rain, he hardly even noticed it. But he had to get out of there. Tears filled his eyes and Luke took deep breaths, swearing he wouldn't cry until he got home. 

Not much farther. So close to home but it felt miles away. Distances started feeling like time and all of a sudden he couldn't even seem to remember where he lived or where he even was. He couldn't get Ashton out of his mind. One of the last things Ashton had told Luke was one day he would understand why Ashton did what he did. But it was three years later and Luke still couldn't understand why Ashton did it. Luke was happy. And he thought Ashton was too. Yes they had been stressed. Ashton was getting ready to leave for college and Luke had just graduated. They were both growing up. Preparing for what was considered adulthood. In the end they had been stressed but Luke never would have guessed stressed enough for Ashton to leave him. Luke loved Ashton and Ashton loved Luke. At least, he said he did. That was the last thing Ashton had said to Luke but at that point, Luke had a hard time believing it. 

And somehow, Luke ended up inside his house. He didn't remember getting there or even unlocking the door but he was inside and he was crying. He crashed to the floor, throwing everything down with him, his coffee spilling over his floor. His face was buried in his hands and he was sobbing. He didn't even bother trying to hold it back. He was alone. And he hurt. His heart hurt so bad. 

What made him really angry was that Ashton looked hurt. As if Luke had done something to hurt Ashton. Luke hadn't done anything. Ever. They had fought a couple times but every couple does. Luke had always been supportive of Ashton; gave him space when he needed it, was there for him when he needed him, he was a good boyfriend. He loved Ashton with everything he had. Ashton had no reason to feel pain. It was his fault that they broke up. He was the one that decided it would be best for them. Luke did nothing. All he did was love Ashton while Ashton broke his heart. 

Luke grew angry. What had he done to deserve that? He didn't even get a real explanation. In the three years that followed he asked himself more times then he could possibly count, why? There was no answer. Not one that Luke could get himself. In order to find the answer he needed Ashton to tell him. But he couldn't talk to Ashton. He didn't think he could possibly get through a conversation with him if he even wanted to. And he didn't. He wanted nothing to do with Ashton. He wanted to forget every memory he had with Ashton. Wipe him out of his life and mind for good. 

Luke tossed back his head and ran his hands through his tangled blond hair and let out a strangled sob. He hated Ashton. He hated what Ashton did to him and he hated that he ever fell for him and he hated that Ashton loved him but most of all, Luke hated that he still loved Ashton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'll be back on Tuesday 
> 
> -Ash


	4. 3

Luke managed to calm down. It took him a while and he was a mess. He hadn't cleaned up himself or the coffee on his floor that would probably stain. He sat against his door with his face hidden in his knees and his hands in his hair. There were still tears on his face that he hadn't bothered to wipe away but he didn't care.

As he started to doze off, there was a knock on his door. Luke's head shot up and for a small moment, he got the worst feeling that somehow Ashton had found him and was at his door. That thought went away when he remembered it was Monday. His two best friends, Michael and Calum, were coming over for dinner. 

Luke kicked his backpack further away from the door along with the spilled cup of coffee. He stood up and pulled open the door to reveal his friends grinning with a pizza in hand. Their smiles immediately faded away when they spotted Luke. Their faces soon read concerned. 

The door was pushed open wider as they stepped inside and pushed past Luke. The two boys looked down at the floor where the coffee was beginning to stain then back up at Luke who recognized he must have looked absolutley terrible. 

Michael quickly set the box in his hand on the table then focused his attention back on his devastated friend. 

"Luke? What's going on?" Luke bit his lip as he tried to fight back the tears that once again came to his eyes. But with no prevail. Tears glossed over his eyes and Michael led him into the living room and over to the couch. Luke collapsed into the couch and put his face in his hands again. Calum dissappeared momentarily then came back with cleaning supplies in hand and began to clean the coffee off of the floor. 

Luke's whole body shook as he cried. Michael had a hand on his back and patted it comfortingly. Calum finished cleaning then sat on the other side of Luke and patted his knee. 

"It's okay man. Let it out." Michael said. 

Luke slowly began to calm down. He pulled his face away from his hands and wiped at his eyes, sniffling a couple times. 

"You okay?" Calum asked. Luke shook his head. "Yeah I figured. Stupid question, sorry. Do you want to tell us what's up?" Luke's body trembled a little bit before nodding. He took a shaky breath and then, 

"I saw Ashton." 

Calum's leg stopped shaking. Michaels hand froze. Luke's heart stopped. 

It had been a long time since Luke had ever said his name. He'd thought it. Almost every day he thought it. But it had been over two years since he'd said it. And it hurt. It was like another stab to the heart. Luke sighed at this thought. How many times can a heart be damaged before it stops for good? Too many apparently. 

"You saw Ashton?" Calum's voice was hard. Not friendly at all. Luke nodded. 

"Where? Did he see you? Did he talk to you? I swear to god if he did anything to hurt you again I will not hesitate to wring his neck." Michael's voice rose considerably but Luke shook his head. 

"No, he didn't talk to me. I was on my way home from work when I saw him across the street. I guess I kind of froze a little. And then he saw me and we both kind of stared at each other. I got out of there to avoid confrontation." 

"Shit Luke. God I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how it felt to see him after all these years." Calum said. He sounded hurt. For Luke. 

"It felt like getting my heart ripped out of my chest then ripped apart. Again." Luke's tone remained flat like it usually did. 

Michael and Calum shared a look of concern before looking back at Luke who kept his gaze on his hands. 

"I'm so sorry that happened to you Luke. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve what he did to you." Michael informed him.

Luke shrugged. "We were both born and raised here. We were bound to see each other again.Its not like I should be shocked." 

"Are you, going to be okay?" 

Luke appreciated that his friends cared about him but he didn't want to talk about Ashton. So he avoided the question.

"Guys I really don't want to talk about this okay? It happened, I had a bit of a mental breakdown, there's nothing I can do about that. Please just drop it and let's eat before the pizza gets too cold." 

"Yeah. Sure." They both agreed as Michael reached for the pizza and set it in the middle of all three of them. "As long as you're okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know it's Wednesday


	5. 4

Michael and Calum left two hours later. They were hesitant to leave Luke by himself after what happened but he insisted he was fine. 

Except he wasn't. 

Seeing Ashton again brought up memories. Memories that he used to think could never be bad memories. But he was wrong. Because they crushed him. Those memories were amazing while he got to experience them. But then the option to make more was taken away from him. Ashton was taken away. Ashton left him. His first love. His only love. Left him. For three years of his life, Luke was in pain And even still three years later he was still in pain. Luke still loved Ashton. It's not like he could all of a sudden just stop loving him. It didn't matter that he broke Luke's heart. Ashton was the first person Luke ever loved. You can't just forget that. 

As Luke watched his friends walk away from his house, he sighed. And he thought back to the day he met Michael. 

One year ago, when Luke started his first year at college, Michael was in the same econ class as Luke. Michael noticed Luke sitting behind him with his sad, tired eyes and his lack of communication with anyone. Michael decided he needed to befriend the sad blonde boy. Luke was, of course, hesitant at first but after realizing Michael wasn't all that bad, Luke decided it wouldn't hurt to become friends with the loud happy boy. When Luke became close enough with Michael, he told him about Ashton. Michael had never met Ashton before but he hated him. He hated what happened to Luke. 

Calum knew Ashton. Calum knew Ashton before Luke did. Luke and Calum had been best friends for 10 years at that point. When they were in grade 9 at the age of 14, Calum met Ashton who was in grade 11. Ashton became friends with Calum because he thought he was a nice guy. Calum introduced Ashton and Luke and the three began hanging out. It was also around this time Luke was discovering his sexuality. So for two years Luke, Ashton, and Calum remained friends. Until the day of Ashton's graduation when he and Luke were alone and Ashton kissed him. After that, the only difference between the third boy, was the third boy was always a third wheel. But after Ashton left, Calum hadn't spoken to him since. 

Most people wouldn't believe it, but Luke had improved a lot since he'd been left behind. Sometimes the positive is hard to find but all of Luke's family and his two best friends chose to see emotionless as better than angry and depressed. Luke however, saw it as just one more day passed by. He didn't show emotions as much. He tried to smile for the people in his life but they knew it wasn't real. They appreciated that he tried for them but it was hard for him to do everyday. So when he actually let out his emotions on a day like that one, Michael and Calum felt slightly better that Luke was letting it all out. Of course they hated to see their best friend in pain but it was better than keeping it all bottled up inside which was what he had been doing for the most part. 

After three years though, Luke finally seemed to be getting back on track. He had an idea of what he wanted to do with his life, he was doing things again. Maybe not going out with friends but it was his second year in college and he had a job. He was getting back on his feet. And everything could have been fine. 

Life could have carried on for Luke. He could have continued to get even better. Maybe moved on eventually. 

But seeing Ashton again deemed to set him back to the beginning. He felt like he was 17 again. Back to when Ashton first left him. He didn't even know how to express the pain he felt. Everything hurt. His heart pounded in his chest and his head spun. Nothing felt real anymore and he didn't know how to even deal with his pain. So he cried. He cried when it first happened and he cried again. Three years later. 

Luke sat in front of his couch with his legs crossed and his hands in his lap. Tears came to his eyes and they fell down his cheeks. But he didn't make any noise. And the proof that he'd been crying was still on his cheeks when he woke up on the floor at four in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short and I apologize


	6. 5

Sometimes, Michael and Calum forced Luke to go out. Every time, Luke hated it. 

Two days since Luke had seen Ashton and there hadn't been another encounter. Of course there hadn't been the opportunity for one. Tuesday Luke had an economics class at 9, and calculus at 1, then, he worked at 3 to 6. On his way home from work, Luke took a different route home and skipped his coffee. Just out of caution. He didn't think he'd be able to handle another run in.

But Michael and Calum forced Luke to go out two days later on a Wednesday. They dragged him to a mall where Luke hated going. Most times when the three went out, they made a day out of it. Which Luke hated. He tried not to complain because he knew they were trying to help him but all he really wanted to be doing was stay at home. Wednesdays and Sundays were his only days where he didn't have classes or work and he just wanted to be at home. Not doing stuff. 

It was just after noon and Luke was hungry. Michael and Calum however, weren't done looking around. They were in some store Luke hadn't bothered learning the name of. As Michael and Calum looked around the store, Luke stood by a rack of clothes brushing his hands against the soft material in boredom. He pulled out his phone to check the time. 12:12. He just wanted to eat. 

Thankfully, the two boys came up to Luke just a moment later. 

"Ready to go?" Calum asked.

"I was when we got here half an hour ago." He informed them. 

"Well then let's go get some food." Suggested Michael. 

"It's about time." Luke grumbled. 

The three walked out of the store and made their way to the food court with Michael and Calum happily chattering away while Luke remained silent. The two tried getting Luke to join in but with no luck. Luke was not going to talk and neither of his friends could make him. 

Once they reached the food court, they all got their food and found a spot to sit. Michael and Calum kept trying to bring Luke into the conversation and Luke kept replying with short one word answers. 

"So how's work going Luke?" 

"Fine." 

"How did you do on that calculus exam?"

"Good." 

"Anything interesting been happening?" 

This particular question made Luke let out a long shaky breath. Michael glared at Calum who asked the question. Calum gave Michael an apologetic look. They braced themselves for the likely sarcastic and bitter answer Luke was about to give. 

Instead, Luke just shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing. Not a thing." 

Michael and Calum shared a look. 

For the next ten minutes, the two decided it would be best to eat in silence which they found incredibly awkward but Luke felt was perfect. 

As Luke picked at his fries, he suddenly felt self concise. He felt like he was being watched. His nose wrinkled in confusion and he looked up from his food. The area was very crowded and it was hard to pick out who was watching him. Or whoever he felt was watching him. Faces blurred past as he tried to spot the person. He became slightly dizzy. Too many faces that just ended up confusing him. And then he spotted him. 

Luke's heart jumped in his chest. It was beating fast. He felt like it was too fast to be considered healthy. 

Ashton was sitting there. Only a few tables away. And he was looking at Luke. When Ashton realised Luke had spotted him, his usually bright happy eyes grew sad. Luke hated this. He hated when he first did that two days ago and he hated it now. Ashton had no reason to be sad. 

Then Ashton's lips moved and Luke heard him. 

"Luke." 

This was the first time Luke had heard Ashton's voice in three years. He never thought his heart could break from hearing that voice. Or his own name. But it did. Then Ashton stood up. 

Michael and Calum must have heard it too. They looked behind them where Luke had spotted Ashton.Then Calum spotted Ashton. At first, he looked shocked. Then anger grew on Calum's face. He turned back to Luke who was still looking at Ashton. Calum stood up. 

"Come on. We're going." 

"What? Why what's going on?" Michael had personally never seen Ashton. He'd never seen pictures of anything. By the time Michael appeared in Luke's life, Calum forced Luke to get rid of all evidence that Ashton had ever been around. It wasn't easy for Luke to do but he did it. The only thing he had left were the memories. Something that he could never get rid of if he tried. And he had. 

Michael hesitantly stood up, still confused. Calum gestured to Ashton. Michael followed Calum's gaze to where he was sitting. 

Luke tuned out everything Calum said. He was still sitting down and he had cast his gaze down. When he looked back up however, Ashton had stepped a little closer and seemed to be making his away towards Luke. This made Luke move. He hopped out of his chair and walked away from Calum she Michael who quickly followed after him. Luke shoved his way through people and towards the doors, willing himself to not let the tears fall from his eyes. His vision was going blurry. He couldn't tell if it was from the tears clouding his eyes or from how dizzy he was feeling. Either way, he had to stop. His breathing came in quick gasps, like it was hard for him to even take in another one. 

Calum and Michael finally caught up to Luke who was beginning to hyperventilate. They each grabbed him by one arm and led him towards the doors. 

"It's okay buddy. You're going to be okay. We'll get you home and everything will be fine." Calum said to Luke which did little to calm him down. 

As the three stepped outside, the heat of the sun hit them hard. Luke mostly. He couldn't seem to catch his breath and could hardly walk without the help and support from his friends. 

Thankfully, Michael had parked his car not too far from the doors. As soon as Calum opened a door in the backseat, Luke collapsed into it. Calum squished in beside him and put on both their seat belts as Michael got into the front seat. Calum wrapped an arm around Luke's shaky shoulders. He had calmed quite a bit since he'd sat down but his breathing was still fast and unsteady and he had started crying. 

"I'm going to take him to your place. it's closer." Michael said from the front seat. 

"Yeah that's fine." Calum replied. 

They continued to softly chatter but Luke didn't hear any of it. He could only concentrate on Ashton. 

Ashton. 

Luke wasn't sure if he'd passed out or just fallen asleep but either way, as he was unconscious all he could think of was Ashton. How Ashton had been honest with Luke all the time. He never lied to him. only once. Luke thought of that first and only lie Ashton had ever told him. It was only one lie. One lie told over the course of a year and a half. One lie repeatedly spoken. One lie that cut more than any could. The last thing Ashton had said to Luke before he left him. 

I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I start school tomorrow I'm going to cry


	7. 6

Luke woke up in the dark. He was confused and tired. Nothing made sense. 

What time was it? Where was he? How did he get there? Wherever there was. 

He sat up in the bed and looked around the dark room. He couldn't find his phone or a clock so he crawled out of the bed and felt around the room in attempt to find a door. It was lighter outside of the room. There was a dimmed light on in the hall. Disoriented and tired, nothing made sense to him. He still had no idea where he was. But it was not his place. Luke lifted a hand up to his messy hair and ran a hand through it. He jumped when he heard a door open from behind him. 

"Luke?" 

Luke turned around to see Calum. Calum. He was at Calum's. 

"What time is it?" Luke asked. 

"It's 12:30. You slept for 12 hours." 

"Oh." 

They stood in silence. Luke was still confused but he remembered passing out in Michaels car. He felt like he needed to say something. Too many thoughts were running through his head and he began to feel dizzy again. Calum noticed this and stepped closer to Luke. 

"Hey let's go sit down okay?" Calum led Luke into the living room and sat him down on the couch. 

Luke's knee shook as he sat on the couch. Calum sat beside him, still giving him the space he obviously needed. Nothing made sense to Luke and he wanted to go back to sleep. 

After a long silence and a lot of thinking from Luke, Calum spoke. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Did he? Yes. But what could he say? Calum already knew how bad he hurt. He knew Ashton broke Luke's heart. Luke sighed. Too many things he could say but none of them he knew how. So instead he said what was a hard thing to admit. Even to himself. 

"I still love him." 

"What?" It was something Calum obviously wasn't expecting to hear. 

"Ashton." Luke still flinched. It pained him to say his name. "I still love him." 

Calum's face softened and he patted Luke's knee. "Of course you do Luke. It'd be hard not to." 

"Even after what he did to me? You believe that?" 

"Yeah I do. He was the first person you ever loved. You don't just fall out of love like that. Especially after the first time." 

"Even after three years?" 

"Even after three years. Luke I know that these past three years have been tough for you and I'm not going to tell you to get over him. That was a really shitty thing for him to do and I kind of really hate him a lot. Neither Michael or I are annoyed or angry with you still loving him. You can't help it." 

Luke stared down at his pale hands then up at Calum's caring face. Then Luke smiled. It was a small smile but a genuine one. 

"Thank you." 

Calum smiled. "You're my best friend Luke. I'd be a pretty shitty friend if I didn't help you out. Even if it's not something you enjoy." 

Luke looked back down at his hands, still smiling. "Like taking me to a mall and making me stand by a rack of clothes for 30 minutes?" 

"That's just the kind of things friends do." Calum nodded. 

There was another silence between them but this one comforted Luke. 

"Alright," Calum stood up, "it's almost 1 and you have class tomorrow. You should get to sleep." 

"Yeah okay." Luke stood up too and pulled Calum in for a hug. Smiling once more before heading off to the a spare room at Calum's place. 

-

When Luke woke up for the second time that day, the sun was shining through the blinds. In the light, Luke realised his phone had been sitting on the dresser all night. He stood up from the bed and grabbed his phone. It was 9:15 which meant he had 1 hour and 45 minutes to get to his bio class. He walked into the kitchen where Calum was, along with Michael. They both had coffee and we're chatting quietly when Michael noticed Luke. 

"Hey Luke. How are you doing?" 

In the past three years, Luke had been answering that question with the same four letter answer. Fine. He was fine. Everything was fine. Although every time he answered it with fine, he wasn't fine. 

On that particular morning, Luke answered honestly. "I'm doing okay." And he had a small smile on his face.   
Michael looked at Calum with slightly widened eyes then smiled back at Luke. "That's great. You need a ride back to your place before bio?" 

"That'd be great. Thanks for letting me crash here last night Calum." 

"Yeah no problem." Calum nodded. "Oh hey, we got you a coffee. From that place you like." Calum held up a cup of coffee and handed it to Luke who graciously took it. 

"Thank you." 

"You ready to go?" Michael asked. 

"Yup let's go." Luke walked to the door and said bye to Calum. Michael informed him he'd be out in a moment and as Luke closed the door behind him he heard Michael speaking to Calum. 

"What did you say to him last night?" 

Luke didn't catch the answer but he already knew the answer. 

And for the first time in three years, the day wenot by fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started school last week and it's going good. My classes are good and my teachers are good so everything's good. 
> 
> Anyways. Have a nice week.


	8. Seven

Sadly, the calmness Luke experienced on Thursday did not carry over to Friday. Because when he woke up on Friday, everything felt like it had before. Slow, pointless, and grey. 

Everything felt like normal again. And the rest of the week and beginning of the following felt the same. 

School, work, hanging out with Michael and Calum, everything was the same. 

Then on Sunday, he went to his parents for dinner. It was the five of them. His parents, brothers, and himself. It was mostly quiet. Some small conversation amongst everyone but like usual, Luke was silent. He answered the questions directed at him, asked simple questions only when necessary, and smiled politely when required. Otherwise, he remained quiet. He also intended to keep the part of Ashton being back in town quiet. This would draw more attention and questions to him and he didn't want that. 

When his mum started asking him questions, it became hard.

"So how has work been lately Luke?" 

"Fine. Nothing new." 

"And school?" 

"That's fine too. I had a calculus test last week. I did pretty good on it." 

"That's great. Anything interesting been going on?" 

Of course, his first thought was Ashton. Of course that was something no one in the family mentioned. Hadn't been mentioned in two years. It was unnecessary and would only upset Luke. So that was an unspoken area. 

All of Luke's family didn't think much of Ashton. When Luke first started dating him, they were all very questionable about it as Ashton was two years older than Luke. However as they got to know him, they realised he was a good person and he made Luke happy. They accepted him into theirs and Luke's lives, still were weary about them being alone, but they liked him. Until he left. Smashing Luke in every way possible. From there, Ashton was not among their favorites. 

Knowing this, Luke decided not to mention Ashton. 

Instead, he put on a fake smile and said, "Nothing."

No one believed Luke's fake smiles. But they never questioned him because he wouldn't answer. Truthfully anyways. They always asked him about it at first but he would always reply with, 'trust me. I'm fine.' or 'what are you talking about? I'm fine.' Of course, he wasnt, but after a while, they learned to go with it. 

So his mum smiled and they continued on in silence. 

After dinner, Luke headed to the bathroom. When he came back he was in earshot but not visible to his family when he heard his brother speaking. 

"I saw Ashton." Luke stopped where he was. Jack saw Ashton. 

There was a silence. Then in almost unison, a chorus of shocked murmurs coming from the three of them. 

"What? When? Where?" His mum spoke in a hushed but still panicked voice. 

"On Thursday. I was driving home and I saw him."

"In town? Did he see you?" This coming from his dad. 

"Yeah in town but no. No I was driving and he was facing the other way but it was definitely him." 

"Oh god. Do you think Luke knows?" She was silent for a moment. Luke didn't know if he should come back and pretend he hadn't heard anything or step out and inform them that he knew. 

He ended up having the decision made for him. Ben stepped around the corner where Luke was standing. He jumped a little, obviously not expecting Luke to be standing right there. His mouth fell open as he looked at his brother and his bright blue eyes full of tears. 

"Well if he didn't know before," he started to say, "he certainly knows now." 

And suddenly Luke's entire family was surrounding him. At a distance, but still around him. His mum stepped forward and took his hands in hers. 

"Luke, did you know?" 

Luke finally met her gaze and he nodded. 

"Yeah. I knew." 

"Oh Luke. Why didn't you mention it?" 

Luke shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I didn't really feel like talking about it." 

"Have you talked to him? Has he said anything to you?" His dad asked. 

"Has he seen you?" Jack asked. 

"Yeah he's seen me but we haven't spoken. I don't want to talk to him either. But I also don't want to talk about this." 

"Luke. You're crying." 

Sure enough, he felt the dampness of his cheeks with his fingertips. He sniffled a little and looked down at his feet. 

"I'm fine. Really. It's been three years." 

His parents shared a look of concern then looked back to him. 

"We're worried about you. It's clear that it hasn't been easy and you say you're fine but it's hard to-"

"Well of course I'm not fine! He left me! The first person I truly loved and the person who I thought loved me! He left me! With not even a real explanation! How could I possibly be fine after something like that?" There was a clear anger in Luke's voice. His body was shaking. His family all stepped back in shock. 

"We're going to go." His brothers dismissed themselves and walked away leaving a shaken up Luke with his shocked and concerned parents. 

At that moment, Luke took in a deep breath, looked away, then back at his parents. Then he realised he had no reason to be getting mad at his family. They had done nothing but supported and loved him and here he was yelling at them. His shoulder slumped and his eyes became sad again. 

"Oh god. I'm so sorry. You guys didn't do anything and that was so horrible of me to yell at you like that I'm so so sorry." 

Their faces softened with compassion. "It's okay. We don't blame you for that. We know that you must be hurting right now. I'm sorry Luke. About everything that's happened." His dad put a hand on his shoulder. 

"We love you and just want to make sure you're okay." 

Luke thought for a moment. These were his parents. They obviously loved and cared for him. So he decided to tell them the truth. 

"I'm not." He shook his head profusely. "I'm really not and I've tried to be okay but it's just hard because I loved him and I thought he loved me too and what sucks the most is that I still love him and after seeing him again, it's brought up memories and they hurt. I hate it and I just wish i could forget it and forget him." 

The silence following was a long one and Luke wanted it to end.  It did when his dad spoke. 

"I am pretty sure that's the first time you've been completely honest about this whole thing. How are you feeling now?" 

"Kind of like I want to hit something." Luke admitted. 

"That's understandable. But don't hurt yourself. Okay?" 

Luke nodded. "Okay. Thanks for dinner. I'm going to head home." 

They both pulled him in for a hug before saying good bye. 

"We love you Luke. Call if you ever need anything." 

"Love you too." 

Luke headed out the door and got into his car. On his way home, Luke thought about his parents. He thought about his brothers. His family. He thought about Michael and Calum, his best friends. He loved them. And if only for a brief moment, he thought maybe he could be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late


	9. Eight

The day after his dinner with his family, Luke had his normal Monday schedule. Chemistry at 10, Calculus at 12, lunch at 1, and work from 2-5. 

At 1:30, Luke sat on the campus picking at a sandwich. He kept glancing towards a set of doors, waiting for them to open. Finally, at 1:34, they burst open, with Michael exiting them. Michael looked around the area, trying to spot his best friend. Luke had no intention of showing Michael where he was. He would find him. Luke took a bite from his sandwich and lowered his gaze from the older boy. Then sure enough, Michael bounded over to Luke and took a seat next to him. 

"Hey buddy. How was your dinner with your family last night?" 

Luke shrugged. "It was alright. The food was good." 

"How are they all doing?" 

"Pretty good. I think." 

Michael never expected longer answers from Luke so he never pressed for more information. He knew it would make Luke slightly mad and he knew Luke didn't like to give long winded answers. For the most part, their conversations consisted of Michael talking and Luke listening and replying with short and to the point answers where required. This was okay with Michael. Michael liked to talk and Luke liked to listen. They worked very well as friends. Luke always appreciated Michael and was glad they were friends. Mostly, he appreciated that Michael respected his lack of partaking in a conversation. And because of Luke's lack of participation, Michael was shocked when Luke spoke without having a question directed at him. 

"My family knows Ashton is in town." 

Michael looked up at Luke who was having a staring contest with his lunch. 

"Really? They saw him?" 

"I guess Jack did. He didn't talk to him or anything. Just saw him. Ashton didn't see him though." 

Michael's original look of confusion turned into a look of worry mixed with anger.

"And he brought it up in front of you? Why would he do that?" 

Luke shook his head. "He didn't. He thought I was in the washroom but I wasn't and I heard. He didn't mean to." 

"Still Luke why would he do that when you're around? He could have waited until you left or really whenever you weren't around it was really insensitive to-" 

"Michael." Luke stopped Michael who stopped talking. "It's fine. It's not a big deal." 

Michael hesitated but slowly nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry." Luke shrugged his shoulders then checked the time. 

"It's 1:49. I have to go to work." 

"Want me to drive you?" Michael volunteered. 

"You don't have to." 

"I want to. Come on." 

Michael stood up from the table and looked down at Luke who was still sitting down. 

"Seriously Luke it's not a big deal. Now come on. you're going to be late." 

Luke looked up at Michael the nodded. "Yeah okay. Thanks." 

The two walked over to the parking lot and climbed into Michaels car. Michael started the car and turned on some music. Neither of them talked for the whole drive. 

Everything was a blur as Luke looked out the window. He thought about where he'd be without Michael and Calum. They were his best and only friends and he really loved them. They had always been there for Luke since he'd known both of them. Before Luke had met Michael, Calum had been one of the only people Luke had. And when he met Michael, it didn't take long for Michael to care about Luke the way Calum did. They were protective over Luke and cared about him. Luke was always thankful for them. 

Michael glanced over at Luke then back at the road. He and Calum hated to see Luke in pain. They hated it but for as long as Michael had known Luke, that was the only side of Luke he really knew. Sure he'd seen Luke in better moods but he'd never seen Luke truly happy. He wanted Luke to be happy again. He wanted to see Luke smile a real smile. When Michael first met Calum, Calum told him that Luke used to sing. Michael wanted to hear Luke sing. 

But Luke hadn't sang in three years. So neither Michael or Calum ever got their hopes up. They loved Luke and wanted to see it happen one day, but they were never too hopeful about it. 

In the short 10 minute drive, neither Michael or Luke spoke. Both of them we're fine with this. Luke more than Michael however. 

Once Michael pulled up to the library, he finally spoke. 

"You want me to pick you up after you're done work?" 

Luke shook his head. "No. I'm fine. Thanks though." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah. It's a nice day. I can walk. I don't mind walking." 

"Okay. Well have a good day." 

"Thanks. You too." 

Luke pushed open the door and half heartedly smiled at Michael before closing the door and making his way up to the doors. He walked inside and quickly got behind the desk then sat down. 

For the first hour of his shift, it was a normal and quiet time. Nothing irregular. Just the way Luke preferred it. 

Then, while Luke was reading his own book, someone spoke. 

"I hear that's a really good book." 

Luke choked a little on the coffee he was drinking. He lowered the book and looked up with his wide, unblinking eyes to see Ashton standing in front of him. 

Ashton smiled a sad smile then spoke again. 

"Hey Luke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety is dumb.


	10. Nine

The previous times Luke had seen Ashton in the past week felt like nothing compared to what Luke felt at this time. Ashton was standing right in front of him. Speaking to him. Looking at him. He could reach out and touch him if he wanted to. And he wanted to. He wanted to so bad. But he couldn't. He didn't want to. He wanted Ashton to leave. He wanted to tell him to leave but he couldn't. Because that would require talking to Ashton and he really did not want to talk to Ashton. He couldn't if he tried anyways. He also wanted to run away. But he couldn't do that either. He was at work and would get in trouble. 

So he didn't say anything and he didn't go anywhere. Instead he remained frozen. Mouth still open and eyes still sad. 

Ashton didn't say anything either. 

There was so much to say. Luke had so many questions to ask and Ashton had so many answers to tell. But neither of them could find the words to say. What were you supposed to say to the person who you haven't seen in three years and still love? 

Luke refused to speak first. He didn't want to talk to Ashton. He couldn't. 

Everything hurt. This was real. It was too real. He couldn't run away this time. He couldn't avoid it. This was real. Luke pressed his lips together to avoid speaking and averted his gaze from Ashton. 

Seeing Ashton from a distance and him standing right in front of Luke were two very different things. Luke couldn't avoid this one and he was scared. He didn't want to deal with it and he wanted someone to help him. But no one could. He would have to deal with it on his own. 

Luke had no idea how much time passed before Ashton finally spoke. 

"I have so much I need to say right now and I have absolutley no idea where to start and to be honest there probably isn't enough time in the world to say what I need to say." 

Luke looked back up at Ashton. This was the closest he had ever been to Ashton in three years. And now that he was finally up close, he noticed a few things in his appearance that had changed that he hadn't seen from a distance. 

For one, the dark circles under his eyes. Those had never been there before. He had lost weight. There wasn't a single part of him that needed to lose weight but he'd lost weight. And he'd become paler. His normal tan complextion had become much lighter. Luke observed how he seemed to slouch with his shoulders slumped forward. They were all things most people would never pay attention to but even after three years, Luke always noticed the little changes in Ashton. 

Luke finally really looked at Ashton. Right into his dull hazel eyes. Ashton stared back. Gaze not wavering for even a second. 

"There's always enough time. Time is all we really have. It just depends on how you use it." 

And that was it. That was the first thing Luke had said to Ashton in three years. 

They were obviously not the words Ashton was expecting to hear. He looked slightly shocked but quickly regained himself. 

"That's a pretty good point. But there is so much I need to tell you."

"Yeah. I know." 

Ashton had to have felt the bitterness in Luke's voice. His words were filled with it. Ashton nodded. 

"And I don't have enough time to say it all right now but I need to tell you that I'm sorry. And that probably will mean nothing to you because what I did was selfish but I am. I am so sorry for what I did and I'm sorry for not giving you an explanation and I'm sorry I waited three years to come tell you that." 

Luke didn't say anything back for a while. He just looked up at Ashton who looked back with absolute guilt filling his eyes. 

"Well you're right." Luke finally said, looking back down. "That apology means absolutley nothing to me." 

Ashton flinched at the words but nodded, knowing he deserved them.

"I kind of felt like that would be your answer but I needed to say it. And I still have so much more to say but I have to go so I was hoping maybe we could go for a coffee so I can actually talk to you."

Luke frowned and looked up at Ashton. "What makes you think I would ever want to go somewhere with you after what you did to me?" 

"I know Luke really and I expected that to be your answer but I need you to listen to me." 

"I don't owe you anything." Luke snapped. 

"I know you don't. You don't owe me anything but I owe you everything. But I know I can't give you that so please at least let me give you an explanation." Ashton pleaded with Luke. When he didn't reply, Ashton continued. "Please Luke. Just 20 minutes. Please." 

"I thought there wasn't enough time in the world for what you have to say." Luke's tone remained mostly flat with a hint of bitterness. 

"There isn't. But I know I won't get, and frankly don't deserve, all the time in the world."

"I don't owe you the time of day." Luke spat back.

"No. You don't. Not after what I did. Which is why all I am asking for is 20 minutes. As soon as 20 minutes hits you can walk out the doors and never have to see me again. Please." 

Ashton might as well have been on his knees for how much he was begging. 

Luke sighed. He deserved an explanation. He deserved Ashton to be on his knees begging for forgiveness. But 20 minutes would have to do. 

Finally, after a long agonizing wait for Ashton, Luke replied. 

"There's a coffee shop at the end of the block going that way," Luke gestured to his left, "be there at 7 tonight or you won't even get your 20 minutes." 

Ashton nodded eagerly. "I'll be there. Thank you." 

With that, Ashton made his way out of the library and away from Luke. 

Luke sighed again and put his head in his hands, trying to decide how big of a mistake he had made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are cool


	11. Ten

At 5, Luke made his way out of the library and down the street to his house. His mind was racing with what had happened only two hours earlier. He wasn't going to tell Calum or Michael about seeing Ashton or going for coffee with him. They would do anything to prevent Luke from going. They would tell him what a bad idea it was, which it was. Luke knew it probably would be a horrible idea. But he hoped it would mean Ashton would stop trying to talk to him if he saw him out in public. 

Once Luke got home, he debated on if he felt like eating. He was feeling a little sick from his run in with Ashton but decided it wouldn't hurt to eat something small. He opened up his fridge and grabbed an apple which he decided would hold him over. 

Just before seven, Luke's phone rang. It was Calum calling. He answered with a 'hey' then let Calum talk. 

"Hey Michael and I are going to come over for a bit tonight. Just because. We'll be there by 7. But we aren't supplying food tonight because we're both slightly extremely broke so we hope you have food at your place." 

"Wait, Calum, no."

"What? Why?" Neither Calum or Michael were used to Luke saying no to them hanging out. He usually always complied as he had nothing better going on or just really didn't care. This was new and weird. 

"Because I have a calculus exam that I need to study for and I have no idea what I'm doing." 

"Calculus? Didn't you just have a calculus exam?" 

"Yes. I did. That's why I meant chemistry. First exam of the semester. Need to do good. Need to study. So I can't hang out tonight. Maybe tomorrow though." This was likely a horrible excuse. Luke never let an exam stop him from hanging out with Michael and Calum. Calum was probably really suspicious but would let it go because sometimes, Luke acted really weird but he usually didn't question it. 

"Alright. Well, good luck with that. I'll talk to you tomorrow." 

"Yeah for sure." Luke replied. 

"Okay. Well. Bye."

"Bye." 

Luke hung up the phone. It was officially 7 and he was late for coffee. Not that he cared. He stood up from the couch, grabbing his phone and wallet and locking the door on the way out. He made his way down the street in the warm September weather. 

Thoughts crowded Luke's mind. What would he say to Ashton? What would Ashton say to him? Did he really have to do this?

Yes. He did. And he was going to get it over with. He was absolutley terrified and he felt like be was going to pass out but he had to remain strong. It was only 20 minutes. He would be fine. 

Luke took a deep breath as he pushed open the door and walked inside. He took in his surroundings. The fake fireplace in the corner to his right. The too smiley barista behind the counter. The soft indie music quietly playing in the background as college kids study for some test. It was all the same. Except it wasn't. Because in the corner to his left, sat Ashton. His heartbeat quickened and he debated just turning around and walking out the door. He could do it. Ashton hadn't seen him yet. He could easily sneak out wihtout being noticed. This was a bad idea. He didn't want to do this. He was scared and just wanted to be at home with his friends. He could leave. He really could. 

Then Ashton looked up and saw Luke. Ashton forced a smile which appeared to be half sympathetic and half guilt. Luke sighed and walked over with the decision that it was too late to back out at this point. So he sat down across from Ashton who had two cups of coffee sitting in front of him. He pushed one to Luke. 

"I bought you a coffee. Black. With cream." 

Luke looked down at the dark, steaming liquid, then back up at Ashton. This was exactly how Luke liked his coffee and he couldn't decide how he felt about Ashton remembering. Not that it was a hard thing to remember. 

"Thanks." 

Ashton nodded. 

Then it was silent. It was a hard conversation to start and neither seemed to know how. Luke, of course, didn't want to start. Or even contribute. Then Ashton spoke. 

"So how have you been?" 

Luke raised an eyebrow. "Really? You have a time limit and that's how you want to spend it? By asking me how I've been when deep down, you know exactly how I've been?" 

Ashton visibly tightened his grip on the mug and nodded. "Well I was going to ease into it but you're right." He took a deep breath and started over. "I want to start by telling you that I don't have a good reason as to why I did what I did. In the past three years, all my thoughts have been centered around you. About how guilty I feel. There isn't a day that's past that I haven't thought of you and felt guilty about leaving you. This entire time, I've always wondered what you're doing and if you're okay. I wonder if you're with someone or if you've moved on. Mostly, I wonder where we would be if I had never left you. Would we still be together or was it inevitable that we would eventually break up?" 

"I feel like you're leading up to an explanation and if you are, you should get to it because time is passing." 

"I know I'm getting to it. I know you don't have the answers to all those questions and you aren't required to answer any of them but I really do want to know how you've been. Just to confirm or disprove my thoughts."

Luke didn't say anything for a moment. He thought about it. That could be a long answer. Three years worth of feelings and emotions. But for Luke, it was short. Because he hadn't felt much more than one feeling. 

"I've been horrible Ashton. I know most people would lie in this situation because they don't want to appear desperate or needy but I'm not desperate or needy. So I'm going to tell you the truth. I have been shit. You were the first person I ever truly loved and by leaving, you smashed my heart. You destroyed me. I was in love with you and you broke my heart. How could I possibly be okay after that?" 

Ashton nodded slowly and every word seemed to make the look on his face appear even more broken and guilty. 

"That's what I was afraid of." 

"You're aware that if you're hurting because I am, it is your fault. There is no one to blame but you." Luke replied. 

Ashton nodded. "I know. I do and that's why I have felt this guilty because what kind of boyfriend was I? What kind of person breaks the person they loves heart like that? I was a jerk. I still am."

"The kind of person who does that is not someone's who's in love, Ashton. If you're in love with somebody you don't break their heart like that. That's not something a person does." 

"I know. I know I am the worst person and I am sorry and I don't fully know why I did that and you might not believe me but I did love you Luke." Luke snorted and rolled his eyes. "I get that you don't believe me. It's understandable but I did. I did love you." Ashton paused, "I still love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have four tests week. Stress has arrived.


	12. Eleven

"Bullshit." 

Luke leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest and a glare on his face.

"You can't possibly love me. If you love someone you don't leave them just because. You don't go three years with no communication.  You don't leave then randomly pop back into their life three years later. That is not what love is. Love is sticking it out. You stay through the bad times no matter what because you love them. Because you want to be with them. Love is not abandonment the second there's a bump in the road." 

Ashton flinched at the harshness in his voice but nodded in agreement. "I know. I'm honestly a coward and I really hate myself. I get that you wouldn't believe that I love you so I'm not going to try and convince you but I do. And it was stupid of me to leave you and I have regretted it for the past 1109 days. I would do anything to change what I did but I can't." 

Luke paused. He had lost count of how many days it had been after the first year. Only with the help from Calum. He was surprised that Ashton had kept track. 

"You've kept track of how many days it's been?" Luke was shocked to say the least. 

"Yeah. I have. I didn't want to forget. I couldn't if I tried. It was 1109 days of torture and it was every single day that I deserved it. I am truly sorry Luke. I know you may never forgive me but I need you to know that I am sorry." 

It was too stressful for Luke. Ashton still loved him. He knew exactly how many days he'd been gone for. And even just that he was sitting right in front of Luke. Everything was too much. And Luke needed answers. So he finally asked the question he'd been needing the answer to for three years. His voice broke as he stumbled over the words but he swore he would not cry. 

"So why did you leave me then?" 

Ashton looked up at Luke with pain in his eyes. 

"Because I was scared. I was so in love with you and I knew I would be leaving for college soon and I was scared for our future. I would be moving away. Far away. I wouldn't be able to see you so often and I was scared about the distance. I was scared we would become distant and eventually break up and I didnt want that. But the day I moved away, which was 4 days after I broke up with you, I regretted what I did. I wished I had stayed with you. Because like you said, love isn't leaving when there's a bump in the road. I should have stayed because I love you. We could have gotten through it. We loved each other and we could have done it and I hate myself for leaving you. I wish I never had Luke and I am so sorry." 

That was a lot to take in for Luke. It took him a moment to regain himself but when he did he realized how bad that made his heart hurt. 

"Ashton. You broke my heart." 

"I know I did I get that and I-"

"No! No you can't possibly get that." Luke interupted him. "You may realise that you broke my heart but you don't 'get it' or understand it. You left. And that was your choice Ashton. It may have made you hate yourself and you may have regretted it. But you left me. And for three years I went everyday wondering what I did wrong. I had to wonder everyday why you did it. I had so many questions but could never find the answer. The love of my life left me without even telling me why. It hurt. And you do not know how I feel or what it's like." 

Ashton nodded. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry Luke. I so badly wish you believed me but I know that's a pretty hard thing to believe considering what I did." 

"I do believe you Ashton. I believe you are sorry. But that doesn't mean I forgive you. You hurt me. I don't think I can forgive you."

"I can't blame you." Ashton nodded. 

They sat in silence for a minute. Then Ashton asked,

"How much time do I have left?" 

"What? Oh. Right." Luke pulled out his phone, almost forgetting about the 20 minutes. "5 minutes." 

"Alright better make the most out of it then." 

"Guess so." 

Ashton thought for a second. 

"What have you been doing? Did you go to school? How's your family?" 

"I'm in my second year at college. Still taking some pretty basic classes. Plus I work at a library. Which you saw. As for my family, they're fine. Nothing new really."

Ashton nodded. "That's good."

"Where did you go?" Luke asked. 

"What?" 

"Where did you go? Where have you been for the past three years?" 

"Oh. Perth. I went to college for two years but then dropped out." 

"Why did you drop out?" 

"I couldn't do it. It was too hard to be away from home and I needed to go back. I waited another year because I was afraid." 

"Did you know I would be here?" 

"No." Ashton shook his head. "No that was me hoping and praying and a lot of wishful thinking."

"Yeah. Well. I haven't left so." 

Ashton nodded. "Yeah." 

It was another silence. Then Luke shifted in his chair. 

"I should go." 

"Okay. Um, thank you. For doing this. I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd said no so thank you."

"Yup." The two stood up and both walked over to the door. Ashton opened it up and held it open for Luke which made him slightly uncomfortable. "Bye." Luke walked in the direction of his house without looking back and hoping he wouldn't have to again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say. 
> 
> Escepter sounds good feels good is ajcwdlihoid and yeah that's it


	13. Twelve

Over the next few days, Luke had hardly anything to do with anyone. He went to school and he went to work but that was it. Even when Calum and Michael invited him out or wanted to hang out, he always declined. His mind was still spinning from talking to Ashton. It was all so much for him and it all happened so fast. Also, he still didn't want to tell Michael and Calum about talking to Ashton. Even though it happened and they obviously couldn't change that, the would still be so protective over Luke and he didn't want that. He was fine and didn't need protection. Clearly he didn't need it. After all he did just fine with seeing Ashton by himself. 

But on Friday, when Calum asked Luke to go to the movies with Michael and him, Luke finally agreed. 

At 6:30 Friday evening, Michael and Calum went to Luke's 45 minutes before the movie began. They sat on the couch and looked at each other before looking at Luke. Luke noticed this exchange. 

"What was that look for?" Luke asked. 

Michael sighed. "Luke I know things have sucked lately and I am sorry about that. Calum and I are here for you but what has been going on with you this week? You're more distant than usual and honestly slightly worried about you. More than usual worried about you. What's up?" 

Luke considered just lying but there really wasn't a point so he decided to just tell them the truth. 

"I talked to Ashton." 

Calum's and Michael's eyes widened. They looked at each other again then bsck at Luke. Calum was the first to speak. 

"What do you mean you talked to him? I thought you didn't want anything to do with him!" 

"I didn't. I really didn't at all. But I was at work at Monday and he saw me there. I couldn't go anywhere so he talked to me." 

"What did he say?" Michael asked. "Did you punch him? God I hope you punched him." 

"I didn't punch him. He begged me to listen to him for 20 minutes so after my shift we went for coffee and he told me how sorry he was and why he did it." 

"You went out for coffee with him? Why would you do that?" 

"Because he told me that if I did he would leave me alone. Also, I had some questions for him. Do you know what it's like to have your heart broken and not know why for three years? Guys, I had to know. It wasn't harmful either. It's not like anything happend. And for the record, nothing is ever going to happen. Can we please go now?" 

Luke got off the couch and looked at his friends who nodded and stood up as well. 

"Alright. Let's go." Michael said. 

The three walked out of the house and got into Calum's car. Luke sat in the backseat and listened to the two in the front speak. 

The first 5 months since Ashton had left were the worst for Luke. He spent all his time in bed. He didn't speak much and he cried. He cried so much. The two years and 8 months following the first 5, couldn't be considered uphill but they weren't necessarily downhill either. Luke became emotionless for the most part. He usually refused to express any emotions. He still spent most of his time at home alone but he was slightly better. 

In the time following those 5 months, Luke had his days. There were days that Luke would smile and talk a little more and sometimes willingly leave his house. There were days when it appeared that Luke was getting better. But that's all it ever was. Days. It would be one day in an entire week. Sometimes only one or two days in a month. But that one day always gave Calum and Michael hope. The next day, when Luke was his normal emotionless self, the two would try not to lose hope. Although it was always a bit of a let down. Even though they expected it, it was always upsetting for them when the day after what seemed to be a turning point ended up just the same as any other normal day. 

In the beginning, when Luke started to show signs of improvement, all of Luke's friends and family believed it would come in baby steps. His happiness would come back to him slowly, but that it would. 

After three years however, they started to lose hope. No one ever said it, but it was obvious mostly everyone felt it wasn't going to happen. The longer it took, the more doubtful they became. 

Michael and Calum however, never gave up on Luke. No matter how much faith in him they lost, they always tried. They believed taking him out to make him do stuff may help. It never seemed to do anything but make him miserable and want to go home but they continued to take him out. It never seemed to work but they were convinced that one day it could. 

So when they pulled up to the theater, the two excitedly got out of the car and pulled Luke along into the building. Once their tickets were paid for the three stood in line to get snacks when Luke nudged Michael. 

"Hey I got to run to the bathroom buy me a popcorn and drink will you?" Michael nodded. 

"Yeah for sure." 

Luke made his way out of the line and pushed his way into the bathroom. While exiting the bathroom he opened the door, accidentally bumping into someone. 

"Oh shit sorry." 

"Don't worry about it." Ashton replied. 

Ashton. Luke was sure that this would mean another conversation. Another conversation he was in no way prepared to have. 

But Ashton kept walking. He didn't say hi and he didn't give a smile of recognition. All he gave was a dismissal. 

He was serious. He wasn't going to bother Luke again. He wasn't going to ask for second chances and he wasn't going to ask for even just a simple conversation. 

And Luke would have been fine with that if he didn't have questions. If Luke didn't have things he needed to ask Ashton he would have loved not talking to him again. But there were so many unanswered things that he needed to know. So he stopped Ashton. 

"Ashton wait." Ashton stopped and turned to face Luke, clearly surprised. Luke struggled to find the right words to say. He didn't want to make it seem like he wanted to talk to Ashton but he needed to talk to him. Just to ask a few questions. "You were serious." That was the first thing Luke could bring himself to say.

"Serious about what?" 

"Not talking to me. About leaving me alone now that you've had your 20 minutes. You were serious?" 

"Yeah I was. I am. I don't deserve to talk to you. You gave me 20 minutes of your time which was more than what you should have given me. For me to think it's okay to talk to you after saying I wouldn't would make me a pretty huge jack ass. I mean, more than before anyways. So yeah. I'm serious." 

Luke was taken aback. He didn't expect that answer. 

"Wow okay. Thanks." 

Ashton nodded and started to turn away before Luke stopped him again. 

"You know i still have questions." 

Ashton nodded. "Yeah. I figured you would. I'll answer all of them." 

"I can't right now. But tomorrow I have a lunch break at 12:30. Meet me outside the library. We can talk then." 

"Yeah. I'll see you then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to update last week so here's twelve


	14. Thirteen

Eventually, Luke had gotten used to the slow pace his life went by at. It crawled by at a tremendously slow speed. And he was fine with that. It didn't really occur to him after a while. 

Which is why during his Saturday shift, when it was already 12:30, he was shocked. The morning went by fast. Something completely unexpected. 

Luke stood up from his desk chair immediatley and made his way out into the sunny afternoon weather. Ashton was already sitting there drinking a coffee and on his phone. Luke took a deep breath and made his way to the bench right outside the building. He sat down beside Ashton without saying anything. Ashton glanced over at Luke then looked away again. 

He was going to let Luke talk first. Luke knew this. Luke was the one who wanted to talk so Ashton was going to let him speak first. Especially since Ashton promised Luke what he did. At this point though, Luke wished he didn't have to start. He was never good at starting things. 

"Hi." Luke mumbled. 

Ashton looked over at Luke again who still wasn't making eye contact. 

"Hi." Ashton replied. 

Luke didn't know where to start. He didn't want to start. He felt Ashton looking at him. 

He'd missed Ashton. He still missed Ashton. Even though he was sitting right beside him, he didn't have his Ashton sitting next to him. If his Ashton was sitting next to him, they would be holding hands. Their fingers would be laced together and Luke would be sitting as close to Ashton as he could, not at an awkward distance. This was not his Ashton. 

"Do you want me to start?" Luke finally looked up at Ashton who had just suggested exactly what Luke had hoped for 

That's when Luke realised that Ashton was sitting next to him. This was not his Ashton, but it was still Ashton. And Luke had a friendship with Ashton before a relationship. Before Luke and Ashton dated, they were still close. Ashton had always been good at understanding what Luke wanted. He was good at knowing how Luke was feeling and he always knew when he was lying. Something Ashton had been good at before they even started dating. Sometimes, Luke didn't like that, but here, he couldn't have been more thankful. 

"Please." Luke whispered. 

That was something Luke had forgotten. He forgot how well Ashton knew him and how hard it was to hide anything from him. It made Luke miss Ashton even more. He felt tears sting at his eyes but he swore he wasn't going to cry. He was not going to cry. He refused to cry 

"Alright. Well I'm assuming you'll want to know why I'm back in Sydney. Why now. Why now after three years?" 

Luke looked at Ashton, then away. "Yeah. I want to know that." 

"Okay. So I already told you that I was in college for two years. Well when I dropped out, it was June of last year. I had a small apartment that I was living in and a pretty crappy job. But it paid the bills. So when I dropped out I considered coming back to Sydney but I was absolutley terrified. For the first two years I tried to convince myself staying away was for the best but then I dropped out because it was getting harder to convince myself. Then over the next year it was a matter of being brave enough to come back home."

"But it took you an entire year to tough it out and finally come back?" 

"Yup. It was absolutley terrifying to actually do." 

"How?" 

Ashton sighed. "My family always loved you Luke. They thought you were great. And no matter how much they love me or how often they told me it was my life and my decisions to make, I knew that they hated what I did to you. It didn't matter that I was their son or their brother. They knew what a horrible thing I did and no amount of love could prevent them from realising that. I didn't have much contact with them for those three years. I called sometimes. But hardly ever. I was quite convinced they hated me. They didn't of course. Sure at first they were pretty disappointed in me but I was still scared and all I could see was the disappointment. That was however, a more minor reason for why I waited so long. The biggest reason was you. I knew the chances of me running into you here were pretty high. leaving Sydney was never a huge priority for you and I knew that. I was terrified to see you again. I knew you would hate me. Seeing you was a thought that honestly scared the shit out of me because for three years the thought that consumed me every single day, was how much I hated myself for hurting the person I love. I hated myself. I still do honestly and the guilt I felt then is guilt that I still feel. But the longer I stayed away the worse I knew our confrontation would be. So four weeks ago I finally forced myself to do it. I quit my job, sold my apartment, and am staying at my mums until I get a place. So that is why I waited so long. Because I'm an idiot who can't face his fears." 

Luke said nothing for a while. All he could do was stare straight ahead. Until he finally realised he had to say something. 

"Fears take a long time to get over." 

"What?" 

"Fears. No fear is ever a simple thing to get over. They all take time. And even though I say that, I hope you know this doesn't mean I forgive you." 

Ashton took in a deep breath. "Luke I would understand if you never forgive me." 

Luke nodded. "Alright well I guess I have another question." He paused, "How have you been?" 

Ashton looked at Luke slightly confused. 

"Do you sincerely want to know that?" He asked. 

"I don't know. I mean I want to know. But part of me also doesn't care. So just tell me." 

"Honestly? I've been awful. I hate myself. I hate my decisions. I hate what I did. I was so in love with you but so terrified that you were going to leave me that I decided to be a coward and leave you before I would get my heart broken. Well my plan back fired because my decisions ended up breaking my own heart."

Luke glared at Ashton. "You thought I was going to leave you."

"Yeah. I did. It was stupid of me to think." 

"Yeah. It was. I was so in love with you. I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted you to leave me. What kind of person breaks up with the person they love because they're afraid? On that's right. You. You did that." Luke began to get angry and his voice rose. "And you know what Ashton? You don't have a right to be upset. You're the one who left. It was your choice. You didn't have to. So for you to be upset is pretty fucking selfish of you. And no matter how angry I am that you're upset part of me kind of wants you to be miserable. As sad and miserable as you made me. I miss you Ashton! I miss you so much! I miss being with you! I haven't been on a date, kissed or been kissed, or even fallen asleep with someone next to me. For three years. All because I'm still in love with you! I hate that I'm still in love with you though because I don't want to be with you ever again but it's so hard to move on from someone you are so desperately in love with!" 

Luke was shouting. People heard him shouting and hurried by as they passed. And in the midst of his yelling, Luke broke his promise to himself and broke down in tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So people like this and I'm hype about that. Also I'll probably be posting more up here soon

**Author's Note:**

> Hey this is my first time posting anything on here but I have started posting this fanfiction on wattpad already. Follow me on there if you like. My account is 5Secondsof_Lashton69 
> 
> This will be updated every Tuesday starting on the 18th. I hope you enjoy it 
> 
> -Ash


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